As a child, watching my mom cry at movies and tv shows gave me so much secondhand embarrassment. One time she was watching a medical drama (I think it was ER), and there was an episode about teenagers getting into a car accident on prom night. I saw her crying and said exasperatedly, “MOM!! WHY ARE YOU CRYING? THIS ISN’T REAL.” She patiently explained that this is supposed to be a big celebration, the teenagers have their whole lives ahead of them, and now life is cut short and young people are traumatized.
It took me a long time to understand that, at least for me, life experience deepens accessibility to emotions. The most surprising part of this is how easily songs are able to make me cry.
After my miscarriage in 2019, I became obsessed with the song “In the Light of a Clear Blue Morning” by Dolly Parton. I remember coming home from school, keeping all of the lights off, lying face down on my couch, listening to the song all the way through, just sobbing. I sang an arrangement of it a few years earlier with my choir, and I remember loving that we were bringing Dolly Parton to a church service, but not being all that moved by it. After my loss, I felt it so deeply, it became spiritual for me. I also added “Honey” by Robyn and “Peach, Plum, Pear” by Joanna Newsom to my “Cathartic Cry” playlist.
When I became pregnant again a few months later, I allowed myself to listen to “The Mother” by Brandi Carlisle every couple of weeks and cry with hope and fear.
This morning, Jonny brought Ari to me while I was still in bed, and Ari asked if I wanted to be a bird. He got under the covers with me, and I asked him if he wanted to hear a song about birds. I played “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley and told him that this is a song that makes mommy cry sometimes. He gave me a big hug and put his hand on my cheek.
Waxahatchee covered that Dolly song when I saw her in Asbury Park a few years ago. The crowd wanted a Springsteen song but Dolly is always just right and it was beautiful.
I also had a miscarriage in 2019 and got pregnant again a few months later. I was still in the hospital after my son was born and played The Weakerthans Reconstruction Site. My husband and I both cried when we got to the line about a little boy under the table with cake in his hair. Now my son knows this is "his song" and yells "that's me!!" when that line comes on while we cry in the front seat of the car.
We also love Three Little Birds but sometimes change the words to construction vehicles because why not??
I have been listening to that Dolly song on repeat lately!!!