When my son was about 18 months old, he started hysterically crying for no reason whatsoever. We tried to hold him, rock him, feed him, we put him in the bath, we took him outside, but he would not stop crying. I frantically messaged my friend Chandler, asking her if this is normal or if we should call the nurse line. She patiently explained that yes, this is normal, it’s part of the transition to toddlerhood, just continue trying to soothe him and he will eventually be okay.
Shortly after My Child’s First Temper Tantrum, I checked out the book Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler. I only read one or two parenting books a year, and I am not sure what compelled me to choose this one — maybe the conversational tone? Or the potty-training manual that nearly everyone in my life recommended? Either way, this book was of little help to me because it focuses primarily on three year olds. I finished it anyway because I figured it would be useful to know what I could expect over the next few years.
Now that I have a three year old, one concept I think a lot about is what the author calls “individuation,” or the process in which a child separates from their parents and recognizes their own individual identity in the world. As I remember it, the book associates the boundary-testing of toddlerhood with the toddler realizing that they can make their own decisions. They are not their parent, they are their own person. I would add that parents, especially mothers, go through their own individuation from their children. My child is physically part of me, I sustain my child with my body, my voice and presence immediately soothe my child, and then, eventually and suddenly, all of that changes.
We took my son to get his first haircut over winter break. His hair was beginning to look messy and unkempt much of the time; he even had a few dreadlocks forming in the back because of how much he dislikes washing and combing it. We decided it was time. I try not to be overly sentimental about parenting, but at one point I did feel tears in my eyes, as the barber snipped his little baby curls. I watched individuation in real time.