I think everyone everywhere lives with an unanswerable, life circumstance question. Maybe more than one. The question changes over time, but it is always there.
The earliest question I remember was if should I live full time with my mom or my dad. That question was, in so many ways, answered for me. As I got older, my question centered around my religious beliefs and interpretations of The Bible. I never wrestled much with what I wanted to do with my life, but after college I spent almost two years trying to decide if I wanted to move back to Nashville. When I met my now-husband, the question was if, and later, when we would get engaged. Then it centered around our careers and where we would live.
The question is always more existential than logistical, though logistics often mask it and make it seem more knowable than it actually is.
The question I am living with right now is whether or not I want a second child.
I wrote about my first pregnancy back in 2016. After that experience, the thought of pregnancy again absolutely repulsed me. I felt betrayed by my body, and it took a long time for me to emotionally recover. Then, after a few years, I wanted a child with my whole entire being. A subsequent loss only intensified my desire.
A surprising part of having my son is how often I wish I would have started earlier. I think if it I had, then maybe I would have more energy for parenting and less memory of being a whole, independent, financially secure adult out in the world. In a recent interview, the demographer Jennifer Sciubba articulated something that I had previously been unable to put into words myself:
“So, when I’m thinking about reflecting back on these big changes and looking at the literatures and looking at all the causality, that’s the one that I think has us where we are today. There’s been a tremendous shift in values and norms. And so, I think about my own life. So I have two children. And I have values beyond just wanting those children. Sorry to them if they listen to this. Thank goodness, they probably won’t, till they’re older. I do value my free time. I do value a nice meal at a restaurant. I value time with friends, time with my spouse, et cetera, et cetera. I value my career. And I value time with them the most. But you know what? It does compete for time.
And I think it’s that value shift, is that as we are more educated, as we have more income earning opportunities outside the home, as our standards of living rise, the number of children that we want shifts because it competes with other things that we want.”
When I think about the things I value besides my son, I immediately feel guilty. A major reason I do not want a second child is because we would have to drastically change our standard of living in order to care for two children. We have gotten so much of our freedom back from the tyranny of infancy. Framed differently, I feel selfish for thinking to myself I would rather have more nights out, more involvement with my union, a gym membership, disposable income, etc. than a second child because I know how much I would love my second baby if I had one. I try to sit with my feelings without judging them.
The worst part of this is even after I reach an answer to this question, another one will creep up in its place. That’s the way it is. Always a question.
Two works that have brought me comfort when considering my question include: “The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us” and this conversation about aging and longing. I am not closer to the answer, but at least I’m a little less adrift.
Whew, this speaks to me so much and is also my Question -- the answer I look for in the dark between awake and asleep. <3